Deep Frozen Post-Christmas Prayer

Note: If you are a person of faith - meaning religious faith, you may fund this writing sacrilegious or offensive. ..and perhaps should skip this entry. I am not a person of such faith, but I do believe everyone has the right and freedom to believe and worship as they see fit. It is my sincere wish that all faiths could co-exist peacefully. This satirical writing is based on a factual incident in which I was caught in the middle of two angry people and a loaded shotgun , and it seemed for a moment as though time stopped.

Deep Frozen Post-Christmas Prayer

I

Oh, my God! He's got a gun! Hello? I call upon Thee in my...YOW!. .. Are you there?! Pick up if You can hear me. Hello? Hello? Oh, this is serious. I am out in the barn, and there's trouble.....Big Trouble! Can You understand what I am saying, even though I am not moving my lips? I do not want to be here. Hello? Are You screening your calls? I don't want to be here. With them. And with it....the gun! I promise this is not a crank call. This is about to be dead serious! This is already cocked and loaded! It is MAYDAY! here in the barn.

II

Oh, God! No one is moving. I can't tell if you are on the line or not. There's a funny ringing in my ears. Is that You? Hello? OK, So don't pick up. But surely You saw?....surely You heard? He said, "Not this time, Buddy!" And then Buddy said, "Do you really think I am afraid to die?" And then I said, "Oh, My God! He's got a gun!" And You know the rest. That's where we are God. Here in the barn. And the gun is leveled straight at Buddy's heart. And now...it is...as if....we....are....frozen......even....my dog....seems....frozen....with her ears....pinned back....ready...to pounce...with....her fangs...on display....yet....frozen.

III

Nobody is moving. Can it be true? That we are, in fact, frozen? Have You frozen time? Have you stopped all this? But I can hear my own breathing. I think I can hear my heart. And this faint crackling sizzling sound, like my brain is frying. Oh, God! Are we stuck here all by ourselves? Buddy seems to be leaning into the gun. Staring right into the barrel. Will the real God please stand up, and identify Yourself, and tell us where You're from, and a little bit about Yourself? I don't mean to be a smart-ass, but Omnipotence has got to come with a big toolbox. So, can You freeze time or not? You of all people, must know, timing is everything.

IV

Oh, thank You! Thank You! I know nothing has been really solved, but it is such a relief to be frozen for a minute. Just to catch my breath, and try to figure out what happened. Please, don't thaw us out yet. Ok, it's coming back to me. I came into the barn. It was early. A front had moved in over night, and it was cold and rainy. Yet, no one had bothered to fire up the old wood stove in the corner. It was as though we all knew from the beginning, that we wouldn't be here long before we would all be frozen in time. And it wouldn't matter then whether we were standing by a warm stove or not, for the fire too would be frozen.

V

I really need to talk to you, God. I mean, my lips are frozen, but you can read my mind, right? Even my last breath hangs as a little frozen cloud in front of my face. A frozen cloud, my frozen eyes can hardly see through to the frozen gun in the frozen hand. And all the frozen words still hang in the air around us. One big frozen run-on panicky sentence. NotthistimebuddydoyoureallythinkIamafraidtodieohmygodhesgotagunhello? And my dog's frozen growl....Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was hoping maybe since we have this frozen moment we could talk. You and I. Mano el Godo. What do You say? Hello? Are You still there?

VI

Ok, so You are not picking up (You must get a zillion calls a day). That's cool. But, I am assuming, since everyone and everything is still frozen, that You are allowing me time to talk. Maybe You will play it back later and we'll play "phone tag". I am just your average mortal guy. Just your Happy-Go-Lucky -Joe in a crisis situation. Frozen in time and thinking these simple thoughts. And , of course I am assuming You are God and All. So Your ego must be under control right? And after all, we are stuck here in the barn with all this "no time" on our hands. Maybe we could come up with something that could be good for both of us. Bottom line: Can I be frank, and You won't hang up?

VII

Actually, I suppose if I said something really stupid right now, it really wouldn't count, seeing as how everything that has happened since you froze time.....hasn't really happened. That's a very strange thought. What is happening now is not happening? Umm...it's what I like about You, God, the paradox stuff. My God, what am I saying? I'll assume I didn't hear myself say all that. I am just nervous, I guess. There are real bullets in that gun. And after all, I have never been frozen in time before, a freeze- virgin . All I really wanted this morning was a good hot cup of coffee. It's all so sudden. Do You get where I am coming from Lord? Are you digging my scene? Of course You are, You are God. As for me, I am just me in a fucked up situation. Pardon that expression, it is just a saying we use down here on Earth when things aren't going quite right.

VIII

God, I need to tell You something. Put my money where my mouth is. Well, actually I'm broke, but You get the idea. Tell it like it is. I don't know what it is, but it seems my thoughts are moving slower. It's like, that watery space between the axons and the dendrites of the nerve cells in my brain have turned to thin ice. And my words are timidly tip-toeing across hoping not to fall through into that murky sea of things I haven't even thought of yet. I guess it's all part of being frozen. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that, I stopped going to church a long time ago. It was like, one day I realized that You had stopped going a long time before that. So, I figured.... what-evvveeeerrrr!!!

IX

So I say, forgive and forget! Let bygones be bygones. But seriously, where do You hang out these days? Do Gods, like people, have there own trends? New restaurants to go to....coffee house to hang out in? Seems like people are looking for You everywhere. There are people here on earth that have reported seeing Elvis. And there are reports of UFO sightings. And two accounts of people (they were identical twins, by the way) seeing Elvis get out of a UFO. And even I, skeptic that I am, admit bumping into Juan Valdez in a grocery store. Of course, I was in a weird state of mind, having run out of coffee. So maybe it was a hallucination. You would make a great photo op down here. I'm not kidding, the Paparazzi would be all over You! Hello? Hello? Uh Oh.

X

This is probably going to sound pushy, especially for someone who might not make it out of the barn when the clock starts again. But if there was ever a do or die situation, I'd say this is it. So, here goes nothing. Here's what I think. I think You might want to consider a whole new attitude about Yourself - and about humanity. More of a take charge, damn it - this is the new millenium - kind of attitude. Just an idea. Just my, oh so humble, mortal (in fact, I must be a complete raving idiot out of my mind to suggest it) myopic opinion, of course. Wow! I am still here! Look, I'm just saying that if You are going to call Yourself God, You've got to get Yourself out there, every morning...rain or shine...and show them who is in charge. Between me and you, are the other Gods picking on You? I hate bullies.

XI

I don't want these things I am saying to demoralize You. But You can't just rest on Your laurels. A few days, maybe...but thousands of years?! People are going to start talking. Hey, by the way, You do have some really great laurels! We just saw the other day, the latest photos from the Hubble telescope, and I for one have got to tell You, those early galaxies You were cranking out right after Your Big Bang Period, were definitely out of sight! Until recently anyway. And even now, some five or six billion years later, they still look so "Now". How did You do that?! Hats off...really great...spell-binding, and very flashy! In fact, I think it would be fair to say You are the Godfather of Pop Art! But that was then and this is now. Surely You would agree, it's time for new ideas. A Divine make-over, so to speak. Hello?

XII

OK. Everything is still frozen. Cool. Look, why don't we start at the beginning. Right about where You had that free will idea, remember? Ummm, You still there? I don't mean to tell You how to run our lives. But, honestly, it appears to "little ol' frozen in time" me, that maybe You should have taken Saturday off too. If I was You, I think I would re-consider those opening scenes. Maybe You had a deadline to meet, I don't know. But now, after two thousand years of reflecting and reminiscing, thinking about the good old days in the garden...doesn't it seem to You that maybe you rushed the whole concept? Like this morning, I was just free-willing myself down the road, minding my own business. Stopped in at the barn and KABLOOEY!!...outa nowhere a gun is in my face. A big gun. A sawed-off, double barreled 16 gauge with pump action. See what I mean? There are some kinks in the idea.

XIII

So, what I have been working on is a modified, or revised free will plan. See what You think about it. You are under no obligation, of course. You are God. You have nothing to lose. If I am out of line in my remarks, it could just be hypothermia, or nicotine deprivation talking. Of course, if You really like my ideas, perhaps we could consider what You might be able to do for me. Frankly, I'd like to leave the barn alive today. So shall we push on? I don't mean start the clock again. But shall I allow my frozen mind to go on this way? If I go too far, start the clock. I am ready to take my chances.

XIV

Ok. Let's back up again. To those first six days of creation. To be really honest with you, I don't have a problem with the first six days. They are a bit vague, perhaps, by the standards of today's inquiring minds. Today, people want all the juicy details. Like what were the dinosaurs really like? And did the fig leaves cause chafing in those sensitive areas? I for one, don't care. So let's go on. Let's go into the garden. The garden was pretty cool. I would have liked to have been there with a cute girl myself. But unfortunately, there were only a few idyllic days before life got forever much more complicated. So, this is the point at which I have a bone to pick with You. A rib bone. What were You thinking? Like I said, I think You should have taken Saturday off.

XV

I mean, put Yourself in a woman's shoes. Not literally, of course. Let me put it this way. How would You like to go around in life thinking you were made as an after-thought...out of some rib bone some guy didn't need anyway? And, on top of that, made because the guy was lonely. See what I mean? That doesn't fly these days God. That's why I am saying, we need to overhaul your image. Up-grade the stories. People want the latest thing these days. The Jahweh 2000. The new Millenial God. The boys and I are still frozen. Standing here staring through our frozen words. So, I take it You are listening. I know You are God and all, but don't feel embarrassed or ashamed for slacking off. I am here to help You!

XVI

Wow! I have never been frozen and hysterical at the same time! It's actually a nice buzz. Let's talk about Adam and Eve. Nothing wrong with those names...nothing whatsoever. Except names, like a lot of things run in cycles. A few decades ago, Desi and Lucy, or Ozzie and Harriet would have worked. But not today. People want the "hot" names. Want me to take a shot at it? Well, not a shot, actually. No need to shoot anything. Or anybody. But for instance, Britney and Prince Andrew in the Garden of Eden. Now you have a story! See what I'm saying? You gotta bring the story up to speed. Of course, it doesn't have to be them. You might want to go more generic and la vida loca. "Bubba and Heather". Bottom line? You've got to change the story up, or You'll never make the tabloids.

XVII

Let's just go with Bubba and Heather for now. We can tweak the details later. "Heather" might have some appeal to the Valley girl surfer crowd (this needs research), ummmm...British Botanists, flower children, and their children, yuppie landscape designers, and so on. As for "Bubba", that goes right to the heart of America. Enough said! Sounds like a girl -meets -boy story to me. (We can change these names later if You want...we are brain-storming here.) So, now let's put Bubba and Heather in The Garden of Eden. Am I moving too fast? Get up, stretch. Let's take five ...and walk on some clouds for awhile. My feet are killing me!

XVIII

Ok. All better now? I hope this doesn't sound too chauvinistic when I say my favorite part of the story is when Bubba gets lonely, and You make this woman, Heather for him. It touches my heart strings...strikes chords in me, and frankly, even makes my hands perspire. (Is that some kind of religious stigmata, or what?! ) Maybe, it's just some kind of male drumming in my head. But it gets to me now, all frozen in time. I think to myself, "Would I rather be here in the barn with an option for maybe a last cigarette before I die? Or would I rather be with Heather in some cozy cafe in the Garden, thawing back into time over a steamy cappaccino?" Am I asking for too much?

XIX

The silence in the barn is deafening. It must be You. No mortal could be as silent as this. Let me paint a picture for You, of a new mythic platform for the remainder of humanity. We don't have to call it that, of course. But basically, we are talking about a divine "do over". A new genesis. Genesis II, The Sequel. No,no...it's not a sequel. Ummmm...Genesis:The Lost Scrolls! Whatever...we'll name it later. Heather and I can handle packaging, marketing, distribution, promotional guest appearances and so on. All those details that You might find boring. So, let's start with a preliminary story-board and construct the new story of Bubba and Heather. It's a simple tale of a first love that begat all love thereafter.

XX

Bubba and Heather live in a garden. A fairyland of delights. And yet, paradoxically, it's not a garden. It's an amusement park. Well,actually, to compound the paradox, it is a big shopping mall too. Yes, genius! Did You think of that or did I? I can just see it! Mostly Bubba and Heather wander around in a kind of moist fuzzy light through flowers, and food vendors, and babbling brooks, and quaint little shops. And they love to shop! They shop 'til they drop, as the saying goes. And then after a short nap, they awaken refreshed and shop some more. And they do all this completely naked. They really dig the no clothes idea, since everything is climate-controlled. And also because, in this new garden You have chosen to eliminate mosquitoes, ticks, chiggers, and sand fleas from the ecosystem altogether. (People will love You for this idea alone!)

XXI

So, that's the wide-angle establishing shot. Bubba and Heather in love. Shamelessly walking hand in hand, hanging out naked in the mall. Like it so far? I know what You are thinking...time to introduce some dramatic tension. I gotta say, You are a Master at that! Like that Big Bang thing, where out of nowhere You exploded the universe into being! Awesome. We still wonder what was going on in the non-universe that led to that dramatic moment. OK, enough with cosmic explosions, but we do need to thicken the plot. Introduce some kind of dilemma everyone can identify with.

XXII

It can't be a snake. No snakes. Why? Well, for one, You have already used that idea. Secondly, we have eliminated snakes from the ecosystem. And thirdly, (and perhaps most importantly), the sub-conscious connection between the snake and the male sex organ? Not cool! (Thank you, Sigmund Freud!) On behalf of all guys everywhere, let's lose the snake from the scene. In fact, let's not take it out on the animals at all. In this day and age of political correctness, You can't just go around making animals, and turning them loose, and then calling them bad when they try to sell people apples on the side. OK, let's think people! We've got to come up with something else. Let's break for lunch, we'll re-group at three. Hey God, what do You think? Sushi? Have You ever tried Thai food? You choose, I'm buying...no,really, I insist.

XXIII


OK. Hear me out. How about this? We give Bubba and Heather a brand new, totally tricked-out Jeep! Why? Because they have been going steady now for almost two weeks, and they also did a great job naming all the animals. It will make a fabulous temptation as they go tooling around this marvelous and infinitely labyrinthian mother of all malls. Can you imagine how many ways they could screw up? Driving without seat belts...failure to yield right of way...refusal to take a breathalizer test after being pulled over for driving under the influence of making out in a hospital zone? There's gotta be a zillion ways we can kick these kids out of the garden! And there's not a snake in the whole idea. That's the beauty of it!

XXIV

OK. So cut to: It's Christmas in the Garden! Yes, yes, I know Christmas isn't until a lot later. But go with me. If we are going to have paradoxes, let's start having them right out of the gate. We've already established that the garden is paradoxical. Besides, Bubba and Heather are cruising the mall in a tricked out Jeep. They didn't even make Jeeps until World War II. But, it doesn't matter. That's the wonder of paradoxes, they suspend disbelief! When people can't wrap their rational minds around something, they get uncomfortable. But they feel a lot better when they think, "Oh, it's a paradox! I get it!" So we have to move the viewer from that uncomfortable feeling to the relief of paradox. So, Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas. They get lots of presents. And then there's the rum balls, mistletoe, spiked punch...so we open here. Move the audience from discomfort into participation and relief. I didn't invent this paradox thing, You did. I'm just saying let's use it as a special effect. The glory and the credit is all Yours. I am just applying it to an opening scene.

XXV

If there is a paradox out there, I could sure use one right now. There is a gun in my face! I know in the original story that electricity had not been invented yet. But let's keep the paradoxes rolling So picture this: It is Christmas time. And Bubba and Heather are practically delirious driving the avenues of the mall and looking around at all the little lights You have strung everywhere. On trees and bushes, on lamp posts and buildings, on the satellite dishes. Even the alleys are strewn with lights...the trash cans, the abandoned old couch by the dumpster; everything is aglow with the magic of Christmas in the Gardens of Eden Mall.

XXVI

Bubba and Heather are bedazzled, mesmerized by this scene. They have never seen anything like this before. Never mind that two weeks earlier, they didn't even exist! They are more in love in this moment than ever before. They impulsively go into a tattoo parlor and get matching tattoos...belly buttons! They return to the Jeep and pause to examine each other's tattoos. It is a tender bonding moment that ends with a kiss and the turn of the ignition key. But no sooner do they take the next corner, but what they run into a Road Closed sign nailed to a barricade. And it has flashing red lights that we see as pulsing reflections on their faces as they look at each other with puzzled expressions.

XXVII

Heather wisely pulls up Mapquest on the Jeep's navigational thingey. She says, "There's some railroad tracks under construction." He says, "What are railroad tracks?" She says, "I don't know." Bubba points to a dot on the other side of the tracks. "What's that?" Heather clicks on it. "Ummm...it says 'You are approaching Will Town'." Bubba says, "I don't know, baby..check out the Road Closed sign." Heather says, "Yeh, that looks like His handwriting...could be a forgery though." They look at each other with that same puzzled expression and fall into silence. They glance at each other's lips as the camera slowly zooms in. We see the kiss in flashes of black and red. Fade to black. Cut!

XXVIII

It is a never ending story, the way love can step into the driver's seat and take the wheel. And it all started with Bubba and Heather at a threshold of sorts. A turning point. A railroad crossing. A convenience market. They pull in to reflect. Bubba talks Heather into asking the guy behind the counter about Will Town. He is of little help, "No know dis pwace 'Will Town'," he says. They sit outside on the curb sipping on a couple of Icees. They are thinking it over. They have never heard of paradoxes before, no less been in the middle of one. But they do know You are known far and wide for Your sense of humor. They reflect back on that long line of crazy looking animals You kept filing in front of them, and how hard it was to keep coming up with names for them. They knew You were capable of anything!

XXIX

For all they knew You might be the dashboard computer in disguise. You might even be the convenience store clerk. "God could be anything." Bubba says. Heather laughs, "He might even be an Icee!" "Or even two Icees!" Bubba replies, leaning over to kiss Heather's cherry coated lips. They giggle. But it really is all confusing to them. You could be anything. Bubba knew it. Heather knew it. I know it. And You know it too. So, what do they do? They hop into the Jeep, high on cherry syrup, and peel out! "Hey, maybe's He's trying to tell us something." "Yeh, maybe we should go down this road." "Maybe there's a new mall we've never seen before." "Or, a new make-out place!" "Yeh, let's go baby!" And so off they went. Can You blame them, really?

XXX

It's a long winding road once they cross the tracks. And the twinkling lights get fewer and dimmer until at last they are in total darkness. And it seems like they are moving through some long tunnel. At last they see a light ahead. And then some hazy creatures like from another world, waving to them, beckoning them in some way that seemed other-worldly. But no, it's just another mugging at an ATM machine. And lo and behold, Bubba and Heather emerge from the tunnel stark naked in their Jeep, smack-dab in the middle of Manhattan!

XXXI

Embarrassing? You bet. And it gets worse! They get pulled over by a cop on a motorcycle. He issues them a citation for driving without plates on the Jeep. They had never even heard of plates, not even the kind you eat on. Back at the mall, it had all been finger food. They get another citation for public indecency. The Jeep is impounded. and things go from bad to worse as they huddle at day's end on a park bench hugging discarded pages of The Wall Street Journal to their bodies. Oh, they really screwed up this time! They should have stayed at the mall. But it's too late now. Why they screwed up is anybody's guess. Maybe it's just another one of those paradox things. Maybe Attention Deficit Disorder brought on by too much syrup in the Icees. Or the way love can cloud one's thinking. But the real question, God, is what are we going to do about this messy situation?

XXXII

Reconsidering misbehavior and it's consequences. That's what we are talking about here. What should we do about this incident, God? Take the car keys away? Kick them out of the mall? Forever? Bubba and Heather and their future kids...and their kids? And their kid's kids? And their kid's kid's kids and so on, all the way up the who begat who... to me? ,,,in the barn...with a gun in my face? So this is where it gets personal. I really don't care to be shot today. I mean, pardon me, but it seems so ego-maniacal, to decide to damn humanity unless they fall on their knees in front of You. What is Your problem? If You are God, it seems like You wouldn't have this intense need to be worshiped. Are You a Narcissist? Go ahead and kill me if You want. I am sorry if this is hurting Your feelings. But I have feelings too. And one of them is that You are a figment of my imagination, or some other part of my brain.

XXXIII

OK, so go ahead. I am ready to act. And not ready to die. Thaw us out. I will handle this myself. "Buddy! Buddy! Buddy! Put the gun down Buddy. Let's have breakfast. Two over easy? Bacon?" Oh, yes! Every thing is cool...and we don't need You. I have only two requests. Do You have Heather's phone number? And will You see that my grave is kept clean? Actually, I don't care if my grave is kept clean. But, do you have Heather's number?